Decisions, decisions

Right. I've spent the last 4 days trying to make a decision. People who know me know that I'm not very good at this. Maybe that's why its taken me four days to not really make my mind up. Maybe I should start at the beginning.

I am booked to go to Kenya from 4th August to 2nd September. I booked this last August, when I was incredibly bored of work etc. It sounded fun, 4 weeks teaching English, and I get a Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) certificate thrown in. Then I had a few bad patches, which sort of turned into one big bad patch. Then I went to Japan, on my own, for two weeks. Whilst I had fun, I was incredibly lonely. I had forgotten that when I'm left alone here, I tend to over think, and so I did the same in Japan. I came back and talked nineteen to the dozen for about a week, just to rid my brain of all my thoughts.

This got me to thinking about Kenya. I am potentially on my own for four weeks, in a completely strange and different environment. It would either me the best experience for me, ever, or it'll be horrible; it's a make or break situation.

There is also the money factor (isn't it always a factor?). I am off to UCL next year to do an MSc, which there is no funding for. So I am liable to pay full fees, of around £3000, plus rent, food, and general living costs (books etc). UCL, in their finance information, have estimated that I should budget around £9000 for the year (!?!?) Thus, it's going to be £12k for the year. This is money I do not have. It is possible that I can get a graduate loan, but I don't really want to get into more debt. It is also possible that I could live with Dad in Forest Hill, or with my mum at home, but I don't really want to do either of these things. They are last resorts.

Kenya is costing me £2000, ish. If I cancel, I lose my deposit (£150) and the cost of the TEFL course (£195). I also have to cancel my flights, and thus far am not sure how much I lose there (the stupid thing being that I've only just booked them). The balance is due on 6th June, and I don't have it at the moment. I recently paid off my overdraft and yet still seem to be dipping into it, and the balance will knock me right back to where I started.

And so the decision is thus: to go to Kenya or not? The way I'm looking at it at the moment, Kenya will still be there next year, when I've done my MSc, and hopefully sorted out my head a little more. My MSc, whilst horrendously bankruptable, should hopefully help me in the future. But I feel like I'm being stupid for passing up this opportunity, just cos I'm scared (and I could use the money). And I also think I'll go mad if I'm working from now until September. There is a possibility of doing a little bit of light travelling with Anne Marie in Europe, which would keep me sane at least. And there is the fact that I'm supposed to be doing this play for Ottershaw, and should probably keep August free for some rehearsals at some point!

Oh, I don't know what to do.